To My Children, family and loved ones,
About the time I turned 30 I looked at my father and exclaimed that I had wished that I had listened to him while I was growing up. He asked why “what did I say that you should have listened too”? “I don’t know” I paused “I wasn’t listening”!
Yes, it was a bad joke (and an old one too).
But there was so much truth in it also.
On Sunday, October 20, 2002 our conversation ended…
Dad had a Heart attack on Monday evening.
Tuesday morning I got a call from mom… I know it’s important when mom calls. She doesn’t call to chitchat.
Dad had a heart attack and is going to be sent to Virginia Mason in Seattle for a heart catheter/angioplasty. That happened on Wednesday.
They determined that he needed some bypass’. This was done on Thursday morning.
Thursday evening he was sent to his room for the night. That’s when something happened. What exactly we don’t know…
Father was rushed back into surgery. Past the waiting room door. The look on the medical teams faces were not the kind you like when your parent is involved.
I still feel surreal when I remember Mom’s fear and pain. I had to hold her back from father so that the staff would be able to do their work.
Early Sunday morning… I got the call to come back to Seattle… it was time to remove the life support.
I had the opportunity to have 10 minutes alone with him.
“I wish I had listened”. “I’m not ready to be the ‘Man’ of the Family”.
Nine years later, I think I better understand what I was really trying to say…
“Dad, I know many things about you; but I feel like I know very little about who you are. I not sure what you felt about different things… I don’t know your favorite color… “
“What did you feel when your parents divorced”?
“Dad, what was it like to have lost two kids in tragic deaths”?
“Dad, how did you meet mom”?
“What were your dreams as a teenager”?
“What dreams did you have for me”?
I got just a taste before that week. just a taste.
The week before I was at an IFCA Conference in Lynnwood, when Trina called because CPS had been called about some rumors, asking me to get home ASAP.
I didn’t have my car there and didn’t want to be disruptive to those I was with.
So I called my father who dropped everything to come get me.
He shouldn’t have done so… He was instructed by his doctor to not drive much and not to drive far.
My dad was a stickler for the rules. More so than anyone I ever met.
He had higher rules, I guess that only he could understand (and sometimes only he could appreciate).
That ride between Lynnwood and Sequim was the first and definitely the last time I seen an opening into that heart and soul of the man.
He shared some of his thoughts on child raising. He shared some thoughts about my ministry and upcoming ordination. He shared that he felt ill-equipped to express spiritual matters. He shared regrets about not being more a part of his family’s lives…
At 30 – I should have listened
At 40 – I got a glimpse.
Now as I approach 50, I see that I need to do something for my children & grandchild (more to come???).
As my children are growing up and scattering I realize that I need to express my thoughts and feelings towards things. I need to let them know not just what I did, but why…
The reason I write is because I want to know who I am and I want for my family to know my heart and soul…
I hope you can say that they heard my heart!
Love,
Dad
19 October 2011
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